Cesarean Birth Story

It's been almost three weeks since I gave birth to my second baby Atticus Finn. The birth of my second child is a complete 180 compared to the birth of Logan. I'm going to share both experiences for those contemplating a natural drug free birth and for those that are going to have a cesarean/c-section.

Logan

When I was pregnant with my Logan I was wafting between getting an epidural or avoiding one. At the time I met my friend Keri at work and she was also pregnant. She wanted a completely natural zero intervention birth. She recommended that I watch "The Business of Being Born" to gather more information. Tim and I watched it; our opinion of child birth changed. I decided that I wanted to have a natural child birth.

I started reading more books to prepare myself. I read Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth and Birthing from Within. I rewatched "The Business of Being Born" to gear myself for the upcoming birth. I also watched a Baby Story on TLC and was enraged by a lot of what was happening during these births. I didn't want the pitocin, epidural, c-section cycle that most hospitals seemed to recommend.

I switched over to a midwife/obgyn practice so that I could have a midwife and a better chance at a natural birth.

To show how crazy it's been with 2 kids it's been almost 2 more weeks since I wrote the above paragraphs. Between making sure the toddler doesn't do something nuts and having the baby attached to the boob it's been busy. So to continue where I left off...

With Logan's birth, after switching to a midwife group I was determined to have a natural birth. In the book Birthing from Within they recommend holding an ice cube in your hand and try different coping mechanisms. The pain of child birth is nothing like holding an ice cube, but the point of the exercise is to find a coping mechanism to deal with discomfort. You were supposed to hold the ice cube for 30 seconds to 1 minute at a time and find a coping mechanism.

I would hold on to that ice cube for 10 minutes thinking, "I got this".



See the cut on his face?

I was amped that I would be able to handle natural childbirth. Then Logan's due date came around, but no Logan. A week and 6 days later the midwive's told me I had low amniotic fluid and I needed to be induced. That was a downer. I had a feeling I was going to fall into the pit, epi, csection cycle. I later found out that low amniotic fluid is a myth.

On March 8th, straight from my appointment, they told me to check into the hospital immediately. They would use cervadil to soften the cervix. I was given a sleeping pill because the next day would be really hard. Yeah that sleeping pill was useless.

The next day around 5 am I called my doula Jessica Fuss and we started trying to induce labor naturally. I started walking laps around the hospital floor. My midwife on call was willing to let me delay the pitocin for an hour to get natural labor started. It didn't work so we went to the l&d floor. At Women & Infants they have an ABC unit. Which is the alternative birthing unit for people who want a "natural hospital" birth. I had planned to go there, but because I was getting induced I couldn't. They were nice enough to give a huge room with my own shower to mimic the ABC.

I had a fantastic nurse who took my birth plan and wasn't offended. She tried to fulfill my wishes, but things just didn't go my way.

I had to have continuous monitoring because when they first put the monitor on me, Logan's heart rate dipped. The problem with that, was his heart rate could only be read if I was lying flat on my back. That was fine for the first 6cm of dilation however, once I got to 7cm it was hard to just lay on my back and not move. Have you ever tried to labor naturally without moving? Not that easy.

I kept having to get up to pee and they had to keep readjusting the monitor. I threw up a couple of times. I started shaking like I was having seizures. It basically sucked.

So finally after hours of pain and not being able to move I got the epidural at 9cms. I fell asleep for a little bit and stopped progressing. Logan was sunny side up and my cervix was anterior. Then I started feeling enormous pressure and the epidural was useless at that point.

Finally they decided that I should get the csection. I was so upset and defeated at that point. Everything on my birth plan was completely wasted. The only thing I got to do was wear my own nightgown during the surgery. Yippee.

I remember thinking, "This is like a really shitty episode of Grey's Anatomy, I better not fucking die." I was shaking the whole way down to the operating room where they wheeled me in. Tons of people were in the room already, but I requested that only people that needed to be in there were in there. I said no to students. I was already pissed about getting a csection. I didn't feel like having students view my innards.

Tim came in and he was worried that I was having seizures because I was convulsing on the table. The anesthesiologist assured him that that was normal. My arms felt dead and they were strapped down. The lights were super bright and I could only stare at the ceiling. Tim kept trying to talk to me, but I just tuned him out. I think the depression was already setting in. I already felt like a huge failure because I couldn't birth the way that I had imagined.

When they brought Logan over the cloth wall to my face to see him, I really didn't care at that point. I do remember telling Tim to get away from me and to stay with Logan. Every time Tim hovered over me, I told him to go away and focus on Logan.

Finally, they took Logan to the room and I told Tim to go with them. I stayed behind to get my organs put into place and stitched up.

Logan meeting Daddy for the first time

When we were in the recovery room Tim was arguing with the nurse about putting erythromycin in Logan's eyes. Another thing on my birth plan that the new nurse ignored. Then they kept trying to get me to hold Logan. I was nervous because my arms still felt dead and I didn't want to drop him. I also didn't really have any interest in holding him.

It wasn't until we moved up to the recovery floor that I noticed the big cut on Logan's face. Tim was trying to keep it quiet so that I wouldn't be more upset. During the csection his cheek was cut open by the scalpel. Our nurse kept downplaying it, but my midwife finally stepped in and said he needed stitches. The plastic surgeon came in and put stitches in his face. She told us that he was the youngest patient she ever worked on...he was 3 hours old at that time.

The recovery from a csection sucked big time. I don't understand how people can say it's easier than delivering vaginally. I wasn't allowed to eat solid food until I farted. I was starving because I hadn't ate in about 24+ hours. So I'm trying to fart, but your abdomen area is killing you. They tell you to walk to get the gas moving around because trapped gas is even more horrible than how you're feeling already. Except every step feels like absolute torture, but I didn't want gas build up.

Even though I wasn't emotionally attached to Logan yet, I was extremely possessive of him. We did rooming in and I wanted him in the room at all times. Everyone kept telling us to put him in the nursery so we could get rest. I didn't want to because I was committed to breastfeeding. If I wasn't as dedicated to breastfeeding as I was at that time, Logan would have been a formula baby. The nurses were just not helpful. They kept trying to give me formula for him, instead of showing me how to latch properly. My milk was taking forever to come in and Logan was super hungry. It was basically a cluster fuck.

I was feeding him through a syringe because I didn't want him to get nipple confusion. However, the nurses didn't tell me that I'm supposed to put my finger in his mouth at the same time to help with skin to skin.

Then the night after he was born, Logan started crying for 3 hours straight in the middle of the night. We tried feeding him, changing his diaper, walking around with him..everything...nothing worked. I hadn't slept in about 3 days Tim was a little bit more well rested than I, but not much. Tim starts tearing up because he's overwhelmed with being a new parent. I just looked at him and said, "Suck it up and stop crying." It's amazing that through my oncoming depression, my lack of attachment to my newborn, and horrible pain I could think clearly. I picked up Logan and told Tim to go for a walk to get himself together. Finally, Logan stopped crying and Tim was able to go to sleep.

We had to stay in the hospital for 5 miserable long days and I just wanted to go home. We only lived 5 minutes from the hospital, but the ride home was the longest most painful drive ever. Every time Tim hit a pebble it felt like crashed into a 5 foot deep sinkhole.

When we got home I cried for about a week and tried desperately to feed Logan with zero milk coming in. I couldn't walk, sneeze, laugh, or move for about 2 weeks. I couldn't even lay on my side or walk over and carry Logan. It was miserable. I did end up meeting with a lactation consultant and my milk came in a week after Logan's birth. So 2 days after being home from the hospital I finally had milk for Logan. After that breast feeding was a breeze and I think that's what helped me get over PPD quicker.

I told my midwives and my doula how I was feeling. I couldn't stop crying and I had zero interest in Logan. I just felt like he was a stranger in my house, but I was still very possessive of him. I didn't really like other people holding him, but I didn't want to hold him. Finally, my midwives had me enter a day program where I could bring Logan with me.

I met some great girls going through what I was going through at the time. We still keep in touch to this day. It's nice knowing that I have friends that understand what it's like going through PPD. I started becoming more attached to Logan and I sincerely believe that was because of breastfeeding. After being discharged I started seeing a therapist once a week.

Physically and emotionally recovering from the csection was terrible. It is a major surgery which is something that most people forget. It's not an in and out easy procedure. I ended up getting brain surgery later that same year and I found the csection harder to recover from. When I tell people that they are always really surprised. Honestly, I would take brain surgery over a csection any day as long as it's a benign cyst or tumor. I wouldn't want brain tumors because that's another factor to deal with. However, the process of brain surgery was a lot easier than a csection.

That being said I knew that the 2nd pregnancy was going to be a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean) no matter what. My next post will show what a complete 180 my second birth was. I'll probably finish writing it by the time Logan graduates college because Atticus attached to me 24/7...literally.